The train door alarm sounds, warning of their impending closure as I take my seat, my bag beside me containing my kit for the weekend. I smile, leaning back in my seat, feeling the tension of the week start to drain away as thoughts of the weekend ahead slowly filter into my mind, bubbling up through the toxic neurochemical debris of a week spend under extremes of stress and tension, fixing other peoples problems while having to address my own myself. Feelings of isolation and inadequacy mounting over the days as new issues present themselves adding to the dark pit of depression already welling up inside, feeding the demons that always lurk in the shadows, biding their time, always alert for opportunities to emerge and feast on my self esteem and sense of self worth, destroying everything I have worked so hard to build up over the years, ripping down the support structures that I have so carefully crafted to protect myself from complete collapse. And they’ve been busy this week, opportunities have been plentiful as events have unfolded to cause me to question everything I thought was solid, everything I thought was beginning to go right, everything I was beginning to rely on…more fool me! You would think that I would know better wouldn’t you? After all these years of abuse, neglect, lies, being let down over and over again, but each time hope raises her tender head above the parapet and tries to grow a little more she is scythed down by the razor blade wielded so carelessly by everyone I allow to get close.

I smile because I know what I’m going to do to fix myself, to reset and to heal the wounds this last week has caused. I know what I’m going to do because it’s the only thing that I know works to fix me, the only thing that helps me to feel whole, the only thing that has never broken me, my rock, my point of stability through whatever storm I’m facing. That’s the point of this journey, see? To re-connect with my true nature. To put the human world with all it’s complexity and confusion behind me for a while and enter the realm of equus, the world of the horse, my safe place. The train carries my away as my thoughts travel further through time and space, the pain falling away from me as my smile broadens with each passing mile, each moment a moment nearer to the fields, the gates and fences, the horses….my passion…my salvation…my joy.


About Autistic writing

Im 46, autistic and vocal about it, a specialist autism mentor in higher education, embarking on my MEd in adult autism, autistic advocate and campaigner, writer and co-founder of asP - the autism strategy partnership #differentnotdamaged #askaboutasP

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