It’s what I’ve done my whole life. Tell me not to do something and you can guarantee that’s exactly what I’m going to do at my earliest opportunity! I can’t help myself! It’s build in, part arrogance, an “I know best” attitude, part insolence to authority, my “Fuck you” mindset, part instinctive creator of chaos and disorder and a significant part of it comes down to a self destructive urge that drives those around me to distraction if I let them see it. So I hide, deep in the shadows, half seen, glimpses behind the facade, the mask, and I’m good at masks, I’ve learned to be, studied the masters of the art, the actors, the singers, the social chameleons, and I learn quickly and well. When you worry people, when you scare people, when you confuse and bewilder people and put them off balance you learn early to push all of that down and let people see a more balanced, rounded, controlled version. You learn to mirror the people around you helping them feel comfortable and secure, and you get very good at it. It isn’t real. The thoughts, the urges, the impulses never go away, the dark inner self, the grotesque, the part that stops me seeing myself as others see me, because I know what they see isnt real.
The anger and frustration at never being able to let anyone see me keeps me going, it is the fire that drives me, the passion that fuels me, that allows me to push myself, push the work that I do, push sleep away to create more time, push people away when I need space, push, push…..pushing boundaries